Confessions of a Lonely Heart
It's been such a long time since my last post and I apologize for that. I realize life consumes my time much more than expected but I'm back and hopefully a little more consistent then before. To start the welcome back is a confession from my own heart...
As you know (if you've read my other posts), I went through a breakup earlier in the year. It was rough. As much as I may have looked okay on the outside, my heart was hurting and crying on the inside. Breaking up with my ex wasn't just letting go of a relationship...it was letting go of my hopes and dreams of raising a family. Many people don't know, nor expect, this of me but I deeply yearn and desire to have a family of my own. It has been a lifelong dream; to meet my husband, marry him and for us to build a family that is centered on God. I have thought about this since I was a young girl (along with the dreams of doing medical services in other countries) but God had much different plans for me.
So fast forward to the breakup in March...I was suddenly faced with the reality of having to put those hopes aside and to bitterly accept singleness again. You see, I held onto that hope so closely that I almost let it tear my soul and heart apart for the sake of achieving it. My ex and I were not in the healthiest relationship towards the last several months of our time together. We both knew our unhealthy and unstable impact on each other but we both clung fast to the dream of marrying each other. I knew I would be sacrificing a lot of my own morals and standards just for this purpose. I knew I would be saying goodbye to the hope of a God centered family, to a home filled with peace and laughter, and likely saying goodbye to a part of my identity for the sake of compromise.
But God broke in and opened my eyes. He showed me that there should be no compromise on how I want to raise my family; most importantly, I should never compromise on God as my center. So I painfully ended my relationship. Although I had the strength of community and Jesus to carry me through the breakup, I realized I never had completed the breakup internally.
I have been struggling with my loneliness these past few months. When I say struggle, I mean shedding of large tears in the car during my drive home, heaviness in the heart when I watch the families around me, and a deep deep anger/bitterness during times of solitude. Singleness has its beautiful moments but it also comes with a deep internal battle. Yes, Jesus completes me and the Holy Spirit truly carries me through times I cannot walk...But we are physical creatures. We are designed to be in companion for a lifetime. And I yearn deeply for it. And I am angry at the breakup because of it. I am wrestling with my singleness as I wait. I am human.
I've realized a breakup isn't just letting go of a person and all those memories that were attached with him/her. It's also saying goodbye to whatever dreams, hopes, aspirations you had imagined with the other. I had to let go of my dream of a family with him but I never did. Actually, I let go of my hope of a family with my ex but I never accepted the current state of singleness. I hold fast to the hope of getting married. And I don't plan on letting it go. But I do plan on re-centering myself and not allowing those hopes to consume my lonely heart. How do I plan to do that? I have no freaking clue. I really don't know. All I have planned is to wait.
The thing is, this hope has driven me into a search for my future husband. It's driven me into apps, dating sites and interactions with men I shouldn't be engaging in. I've begun to compromise my values again for the hope of meeting someone who could possibly fulfill my dream. I have started the same hurtful path as I did with my ex, only now it's with myself. I have made compromises to take steps towards a path that isn't mine yet. Oh how the human heart is so cyclical and predictable but in ways that are so subtle.
I know my loneliness will never be fulfilled until that moment of holy covenant. But until then, I hope to move towards a path of uncompromising resolve. I hope to stay steadfast to my ideals and morals. I expect to fail time and time again but I have grace and forgiveness that will pick me up and drive me forward. Thank sweet Jesus for that.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to my confession. My hope through this post is to remind so many that we shouldn't make compromises in our identity for the sake of achieving marriage or family. Marriage and family will bring its own disappointments and struggles, so why start it in a compromised position. Wait well for you are worth the wait. I am so blessed to have family and friends who remind me of this. Not that I'm this amazing person...But I need to be reminded that the future marriage is worth the wait.
Until next time,